Hey, Mitt: Sarah's Just Not That Into You

Poor Mitt Romney!  He has prepared his whole life for the next year of presidential activities and the only person who could possibly ruin all the fun is one Sarah “Barracuda” Palin. 

Last week, Mitt got all “folksy” and announced the worst kept secret in America: that he is running for the Republican nomination to take on President Obama. He did it at a barn in New Hampshire while not wearing a tie so he can seem “authentic.”

As this was happening, a couple things were going on. First, the Bruins were about to enter the Stanley Cup finals, so no one really cared, at least locally, and then the tornados hit the poor people from Western Mass. But the biggest problem for “tie less” Mitt was that as the tornado was starting to form over the skies of Western Mass, the “Palin express” was about to steamroll him and the barn he was making his announcement at. 

Sure, Sarah said all of the right things -- that it was just a “coincidence” and she is sorry for upstaging Mitt, but it's all nonsense. She loves this! I do not care what any psychologist or political pundit has to say, Palin despises Romney and vice versa. You do not need a behavioral degree from Harvard to know this because it’s common sense. This assessment is based on years and years of being around “normal” people. (OK, maybe I have been around a lot of abnormal people, including myself, but you get the point.)

I get it, both of them are Republicans and the number one goal is to beat Obama and yada ya yada ya. It doesn’t matter! You can’t change impulsive human behavior and Palin is having too much fun stomping on Mitt. Don’t believe me? Well think of it this way, most people would probably veer on the side of caution if a tornado had hit in an area they were traveling through. But not Palin. According to multiple reports, her bus only briefly stopped and then immediately started back up to make sure she was there for big Mitt’s announcement. What, she didn’t realize it was going on? Palin may be many things, like completely misinformed about the real Paul Revere story, but she is a master at stuff like this. 

Palin is the anti-Romney and so are all of her followers. In fact, one could argue she started the whole Tea Party thing. Before she came on the scene, there was actually a civil debate about national health care between Sen. McCain and then-Sen. Obama during the presidential election. As in, they were both in favor of a national system like the one the current Tea Party deplores. Now “tie less” Mitt has to constantly talk about being the “godfather” of health care as he tries to convince the same Palin followers to vote for him.  And guess what?  Sarah is not going to make it easy for him.

For Mitt, Palin is like the crazy ex who you thought had moved far way from town with another person, never to be heard from again. But just as your life is about to become complete, you hear a rumor they are not only back in town, but came back specifically looking for you. No matter what Mitt does, he can’t shake Palin, because she is having fun trying to ruin him.

Romney has perfect teeth, perfect hair, a perfect life, but that is the precise problem with him. It is simply too perfect in an uncomfortable way. Mitt seems like one of those guys that if you were alone with him on an elevator, it would be awkward. For example, he would say, “Hi, I’m Mitt and where are you from?” If you told him Boston, he would then say something goofy about Fenway Park or the Red Sox. In the interest of civil obedience, you play along with the goofiness to make the ride as comfortable as possible. And as you say something stupid back about the Red Sox to satisfy him, he would continue to smile at you making the whole situation borderline creepy. 

Palin, on the other hand, would be awesome! You would get on and she would be like “Howdy, I’m Sarah and I am looking for a good Philly cheese steak so me and Todd can, ya know, taste what Boston meat is all about.” After telling her that if she jumps on the train and travels to a certain street, she will find a good place, she then would reply, “Oh golly, can I walk there?” To which you lovingly say, “of course Sarah, why not?”

This whole thing with Palin and Romney reminded me of one of the greatest scenes ever in a movie, only the exact opposite. In the movie “Goodfellas,” the main character Henry Hill is on a date with his future wife Karen. As they pull up to a restaurant, they start to get out of his car and the song “Then He Kissed Me” by Ellie Greenwich starts playing. As they approach a big line, Henry walks through the back door and starts saying “hi” to everyone he sees while walking through the kitchen, cutting everybody outside, as Karen watches this all play out very impressed. At that moment, it was as perfect as any plan could ever go or any situation could ever be. The stars were aligned. Anybody who has ever planned anything would like it to be just like that scene. It was flawless, a moment when a person can say “I made it, just like I planned it.” That scene is the definition of cool.

But what happened to Mitt is when he approached the big line and tried to walk through the back door, Palin was there waiting for him. Mitt’s perfect smile deflated as he begged her to let him in. And Palin’s response, said with that big Alaskan grin, was “thanks for playing.” The she slammed the door and the music cuts out abruptly.

Gov. Romney, better put the tie back on, because you’re going to need it. She’s just not that into you!