Tales From The Boob

The ridiculous and hilarious trials and tribulations of breastfeeding.

PART I – Desperation or "The Donner Party"

Breastfeeding Day 4, 9:00AM 
SIDE NOTE: Home from the hospital.  Wish I could have tucked that lactation consultant in my pocket and brought her with me.They don’t tell you that your nipple is going to often erupt like Old Faithful spraying your baby in the face in all directions.  You seriously spring a leak.  I thought my nipple had popped open for God’s sake.  Poor child trying to catch the geyser  by opening her mouth and sticking out her tongue hoping something will land inside.  Breastfeeding Night 4, 11:00PMWhat the hell is this child’s name again and why can’t I think of it? Didn’t I name her?
Breastfeeding Day 5, 7AMNipples are screaming at me “Why are you allowing this Barracuda to naw on us?” Sorry, nipples, for everything.  
Breastfeeding  Day 6, 4AMWait, so men can’t breastfeed??  Crap.  
Breastfeeding Day 7, 10AMThings you can do successfully with one hand while breastfeeding: NOTHING
Breastfeeding Night / Day 8, 3AMIs that seriously another poop I just heard?   How does something so small make all of this shit? 
Breastfeeding Day 9, 4PMWalking around the house with no shirt on.  Figured it was easy access to the milk truck that I have become.  Looking pretty ridiculous.  
Breastfeeding Night/Day 10, 2AMSlept for 30 minutes.  Had a dream that President Obama gave me a root canal.  
Breastfeeding Day 11, 12:00PMFeeling like a drained well 
Breastfeeding Night/Day 12, 3:35AMDid I give birth to a boy or a girl…I forgot.
Breastfeeding Day 12, 4:25PMThank God we don’t have cats.  They would lick me up and down day and night seeing that I am covered in milk.  I am now having the imagery of me having 10 cats licking every inch of my body and want to shower.  But can’t.  Because I’m ….. you guessed it, breastfeeding.   
Breastfeeding Night/Day 13, 1:32AMMaybe I’ll write a book about what goes through your mind at 1am,3am and 4am feedings.  Yea right, too tired. 
Breastfeeding Day 14, 10:45AM I’M STARVING.  The chips are so close yet so far…what happens if I just move a little bit to the right to….OUCH!  Okay, no chips.
PART II – Delirium or "The 60’s and LySergic acid Diethylamide"
 Breastfeeding Night 15, 9PMI need a chin strap.  My neck is killing me from staring down at this child.  A chin strap would be nice.  I could deck it out in all sorts of fun colors and switch it up depending on what sweatpants I was wearing that day.  I could open my own store and scream out the door to get mom’s attention “Chin Straps & sweatpants!  Come get your chin straps and matching sweatpants!”
Breastfeeding Night 15, 9:30PM Still on the same feed, a half hour later.  I think a breastfeeding feed bag is a better idea.  A chin strap/feed bag combo!  I’m on to something.  My hands are tied so if I could just dip my head down into a bag of potato chips and then pick it up and have it cradled while I chew…. 
Breastfeeding Day 16, 10AMSomething I’ll never understand: Fishing.  Also Daytime TV stinks.  
Breastfeeding Night/Day 17, 2:40AMI will not drop this baby.  I will not drop this baby.  I will not drop this baby.
Breastfeeding Night/Day 17, 4:10AM – 5:10AMSlept.  Had a dream I gave birth to a boy instead of a girl.  The boy had testicles sticking out of his stomach.  I went to go change him and started screaming for my husband because I didn’t know how “boy parts” worked.  I’m officially insane.
Breastfeeding Day 18, 3PM You know those little crocodiles that bite something and don’t let go no matter how much you shake them around?  The term “motorboating” has a whole new meaning for me. 
Breastfeeding Day 19, 8AMHusband at work.  So thirsty.  Parched.  Breastfeeding and can’t get up.  Help!  I’m Breastfeeding and can’t get up!  Need water… thinking about drinking my own breast milk leaks.  Is that wrong? 
Breastfeeding Night/Day 20, 3:20AM This is a form of torture in warfare.  They let you get 20 minutes of sleep and then they keep waking you up.  I am being tortured.  My whole body itches with tiredness. 
Breastfeeding Day 21, 11:59AMHell is when your learning-how-to-eat baby misses your nipple and starts sucking on your areola.   Have fun explaining the new hickey on your right breast to your husband.  
Breastfeeding Day 22, 7AMFinally figured out the pump yesterday.  Or so I thought when I went to use it this morning and put the suction on the wrong part of my boob.  If Hell is having your baby mislatch than Purgatory is having the pump suck up your aerola instead of your nipple.  Boob Indian Burn.  NOT good times. 
Breastfeeding Day 22, 9PM Hubby’s friend stopped by to visit the baby an hour ago.  I forgot I wasn’t wearing any bra pads and leaked through my shirt.  I quickly grabbed my water and pretended to spill all over myself.  I’m not winning any awards for acting.  Just call me Captain Obvious.
PART III – Resistance or "Remember the Alamo"
Breastfeeding Night/Day 23, 1:50AM Slept.  Had a dream that I needed to breastfeed a rooster in order to keep it alive.  Was very scared of beak. 
Breastfeeding Day 24, 2PM People keep asking me if I’ve fallen asleep while breastfeeding yet.  Um, no people, I have a PIRANHA attached to the most sensitive part of my body.  No I have not fallen asleep while breastfeeding.
Breastfeeding Day 24, 4PMHow cool would it be if they made a contraption like the ones the hot dog vendors have at ballparks for breastfed babies.  I could just walk around the house all day with that thing around my neck and have her hoisted up laying sideways on my boob. Then I could actually get stuff done around here.
Breastfeeding Day 25, 10AMI think I’ll just start mooing.
Breastfeeding Day 25, 10:30AMSpeaking of moo’ing … the couch used to be brown.    With all of it’s new white spots it kind of resembles a cow.   I could moo to the couch and maybe it will start moo’ing back.  It would be less quiet around here at least (see aforementioned comment about unwatchable daytime tv)
Breastfeeding Night/Day 26, 5AMWhat if there were awards for Breastfeeding?  “Best Football Hold” “Best squirted nipple” “Best letdown” “Best use of pump” “Least Likely to Drop Baby” “Biggest Areola” 
Breastfeeding Day 27, 2PMGod I would love a manicure.  Why don’t nail salon’s have outdoor areas to get your nails done?  On nice days people can sit outside and get them done…and sip wine…yummm…wine…
Breastfeeding Day 27, 2:01PMI really want a glass of wine. 
Breastfeeding Night/Day 28, 3:33AMSlept.  Dreamt that my husband was actually our baby but had a grown-up voice and was talking and making uncomfortable jokes at a party.  Woke up and fell back asleep – had a dream that my mother-in-law still pumped breastmilk and mixed it into her cat’s food.
Breastfeeding Day 28, 9:45AM Pumped breastmilk = Liquid Gold.  Losing 1 ounce of pumped breastmilk by a mis-pour into the bag will reduce you to tears.  In fact it just has. 
Breastfeeding Day 28, 8:30PM
So I bought “Milkscreen” which tests for alcohol in breastmilk.  You put a little on the strip and wait 2 minutes for your verdict.  Let me tell you it’s like the black screen of DEATH when that thing comes back negative – it literally turns totally black.  I think not knowing might be better.  Ignorance is bliss.  Let me go back to that.  I just want one glass of wine people!  Okay, 3.  
PART IV - Turning Point or "The Battle of Saratoga"
Breastfeeding Night 29 10PMWhy do I keep having 20 minute dreams about the President of the United States? 
Breastfeeding Day 30, 1:30PMRiddle me this:  2 hands, 2 boobs, 2 outlets on the pump.  How the hell do you turn the pump on and off when your husband isn’t home?  With your toes?  You laugh but I have actually tried this.  I have literally tried to turn the pump off with my foot while awkwardly holding the 2 apparatus’s with my hands.  If I had ANY dignity left after childbirth it is now officially gone.
Breastfeeding Day 31, 5:30AM She slept for 4 hours straight!  Great news!  Except now my breasts are so engorged  I can’t find the nipple.  It’s just one giant skin balloon. 
Breastfeeding Day 32, 12PM.Saturday and going to Nana’s house.  Who knew a breast pump would be your latest accessory?  I actually convinced myself it looks like a nice new handbag. 
Breastfeeding Night 33, 7:30PMMy God, look at these tiny hands and feet.  I made this little person.
Breastfeeding Night 33, 10PMThe back of my neck is killing me from staring down at this miracle.  I can’t stop staring at her.  I can’t take my eyes of her when she is feeding.  I am memorizing her delicate little features.
Breastfeeding Day 34, 6:30AMThis little girl is so intent on getting nourishment.  She is getting really good at eating.  I’m actually proud of her.  
Breastfeeding Night/Day 35, 3AMThe human body is amazing.  The fact that I am actually producing food and she is consuming it and staying alive by it…I am amazed.  
Breastfeeding Day 35, 10:59AMHave boob.  Will Travel.  Boobs are my own portable feeding solution.   And at least I don’t have to steam clean them, right? 
Breastfeeding Night 36  11:42Slept for 2 hours.  Had a dream that my little baby girl rolled over, breastfed, and then got up and walked away from me.  
Breastfeeding Day 27I never leave the couch but I still feel like I have this really cool super power.  Like I’m my own little couch-super-hero. 
Breastfeeding Night/Day 27 3:20AMIt’s almost like my daughter has 2 sides to her – the side that everyone sees and then the private side I get to view when it’s just her and me breastfeeding.   She is at her most vulnerable, human level, it’s hard to explain but I feel blessed to get to witness it.  Just me and her – our private time together.  Even if it happens between 3 and 4am.  I could get used to it.
PART V – Victory or "Do you Believe in Miracles?"

Breastfeeding Day 38 5:00A
Where did these Dr. Feel-Good emotions come from?  They are pouring out of me.
Breastfeeding Day 38  12PMI want to stay like this forever – never go back to work, never go back to exercise, never go back to normal life…just stay right like this staring down at my creation….keeping her alive solely on breastmilk. 
Breastfeeding Day 39 10AMMilky mouth smiles are my favorite.  I will never tire of seeing this child smile after eating.  
Breastfeeding Night/Day 40 1:45AMI want to shower this child with milk love.
Breastfeeding Day 41 3PMI am a milk goddess.  Hear me roar.

This post is contributed by a community member. The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Patch Media Corporation. Everyone is welcome to submit a post to Patch. If you'd like to post a blog, go here to get started.

Kristin Quinn May 09, 2012 at 01:27 PM
Please follow me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Misadventures-in-Mommyhood/324554534281006?ref=tn_tnmn
Kasey Hariman May 09, 2012 at 02:22 PM
I'm not a parent, but I had some good laughs with all your quips. Funny stuff!
Andrew Jeromski May 09, 2012 at 05:22 PM
@Kasey: I'll second that ... This blog cracked me up this morning!


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